I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
