I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
He felt like a one man threesome
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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