3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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