i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Randomize
