I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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