that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
