the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize