Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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