how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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