I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
