dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
