you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
