My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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