what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
