I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
