I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You pole danced in your parka.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
