there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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