you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Fuck appropriateness.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
