Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
