My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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