i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
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