i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
