Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
