Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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