just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
