It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
