i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
