then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
