She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
