i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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