R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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