We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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