I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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