sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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