Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
