I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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