I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
