I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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