Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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