Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
