I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
