dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
