I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
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