My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
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