my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Randomize
