My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
