Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
