Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
