Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
