Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
