GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
