Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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