I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
