So drunk, too bad you don't want this
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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