Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
