I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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