In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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