Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
