I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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