Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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