im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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