hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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