Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
