dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
