This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
