I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
