hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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